“We have a communication problem” I hear this nearly every time I sit with a couple for marriage coaching, in fact it happened today!  I have to keep myself from laughing most of the time because this issue is so universal yet most people state the problem as if they are the first to experience it.   

"Is this really the problem?"  I know, this is a dirty counseling trick…answering with a question, however I do believe it gets to the point much faster.  So, often our “communication problems” are actually symptoms of deeper issues.  Healthy communication almost always falls victim to our fears and our hurts.  We don’t like to admit it but when we feel slighted in some way, even unintentionally we use bad communication as a means of payback.  Sometimes this is evident in aggressive behavior and at other times much more subdued.   

I like to coach all married couples that when it comes to marriage we must focus on building a “God-honoring, healthy marriage.”  In fact, I don’t think it is possible to be healthy without being God-honoring.  There are countless sources of “good relationship principles” promising greater relational health.  However without a desire to Honor God we will inevitably revert to selfish behavior and selfishness IS the enemy of your marriage.  The only power great enough to content with our sinful, selfish nature is God himself.  When we submit to Him and His truth then we can truly move toward a healthy marriage.  

Back to communication... If you are seeking a God-honoring marriage you will quicker move toward the good communication skills and resolution steps that produce health.  By seeking to honor God you must learn to “die to self” which paves the way to relating well to your spouse.   I hope this is helpful for you.  This topic is only a slice of an entire marriage-coaching seminar I teach so if you want more let me know!  As always I hope this makes sense!  AS